Writing It Out

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time.  When I started it, I had every intention of really writing - not just talking about it...finally doing it.  I thought if I could write about the pain of the divorce and loss I had been going through at the time, I could get through it and on with my life.  But it didn't work out as I'd planned - somehow that felt a little too naked and writing about those feelings hurt even worse than living them.  I couldn't get off the subject of loss and I thought I had to have something terribly profound to say or not write at all...so I just quit.

Well, a few years have passed and here we are on the first day of another year.  That pain is a distant memory, but tonight, I'm finding myself dying a little once again.  OK, not a little - a lot.  I've been hurt badly...again...and I walked right into it - again.  One of the most important relationships of my life took a header right into the crapper of New Year's Day 2014.  If last year hadn't been such a horrible year after losing Fred, I'd be tempted to laugh at the absurdity of starting out the new year like this.  But instead, I'm fighting like hell to keep my heart from shutting down altogether.  That awful, creeping numbness is just about up to my throat.  And I know from past experience, if the place where words form gets numb enough, the heart, the voice, the soul just closes down altogether.  I look fine on the outside, but it's deader than shit inside.  And that is one scary place to be...the place where all the hard-fought years of sobriety don't really seem all that great and I start to self-destruct.

But not this time.  It might not have been my first spectacularly bad decision, but with a butt-load of honesty, maybe it will be the last...or at least the last time I allow someone else to take away my voice.

This time, I'm going to write it out.

I'm not going to go into the agony and the ecstasy here, but I will give you this:  it was the best ride of my life and as hurt as I am, I don't regret one single minute.  That's all you get.  But for those who have been waiting, there's a bit of good news:  I'm finally writing the book.

I've gotta write this one under a pseudonym and change a few (?!) names, but it's already underway and the pages are smokin' -

Here's to 2014:  The year of getting this shit out on paper.  And you'll see me here, too - bet on it.